Previously on Nip/Tuck:
Dr. Christian Troy.
Dr. Mike Hamoui.
- McNamara/Troy, right? - Heard of us, huh?
Christian, hey. I heard you guys were out here now too.
I have to tell you. I've always been a big fan of your work.
- Hope to see you soon, Kimber. - Nice to meet you, Mike.
For chrissakes, snap yourself out of it, would you?
As if Mike would date an old leather shoe like you.
Whatever, Christian.
Mime is so amazing, man.
It takes us beyond our petty egos, beyond language, and unifies us.
- Is this a joke? We can rent your room, okay?
So you either kick in or you're out by the 1 st.
Here.
Sean McNamara...
...will you marry me? - Yes. I will.
Do you have any idea what kind of stress he's been under?
That's why he's living the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous with you...
...and trying to pay child support...
...and trying to keep the business from going under. He's hanging on by a thread.
What happened to the girl that didn't give a shit about conventional bourgeois trappings?
I think we should just take a giant step back.
You're gonna break off our engagement over this?
I wish you knew me better, Sean.
Things mean nothing to me.
Honesty, that means everything.
Tell us what you don't like about yourself, Briggitte...
...because I'm having trouble finding any flaws.
You're so very sweet. Where are your people from?
My mother's Mexican...
...and my father's from Egypt. - Oh.
I was actually raised in Cairo. - And not even a hint of an accent.
I disguise it well, but get a couple of Heinekens in me and, ooh, forget about it.
What is it you want done, Mrs. Reinhart? According to your file...
...you have every plastic-surgery procedure known to man in very interesting locales.
Venezuela, Lisbon, Singapore.
I travel. Some people collect snow globes, I like facelifts.
But in the last six months...
...the only thing I've had done was a little lunchtime lipo in Vegas.
I am not an addict.
And let me apologize if Dr. Troy implied that you were.
- Excuse me? Well, before you pucker up...
...and kiss my ass too much, pretty boy...
...first, you got to lipo out all the fat in there from the last few months, huh?
Also, I want my neck tightened and then I think I want another little browlift.
But I must have my own man in there to supervise the post-op.
Ma'am, we provide state-of-the-art post-op care.
There's really no need for an outside physician.
Yeah, but Hans is not a doctor.
He's a leech farmer.
- Leeches? - Oh, yes.
Dr. Mendoza used it down in Caracas after my last eyelift.
I swear, it healed three times faster than usual.
- See, those leeches... - I know what the leeches do.
Their saliva acts as an anticoagulant and an anti-inflammatory.
Yes, and then you give yourself a little tiny dose of heparin...
...and a couple of aspirin and, muah, they are little miracle workers.
They're a crock, and I'm not gonna allow them in this office.
The last thing we need here is more parasites.
What are you so afraid of, Christian?
You know what, boys? I think I'll have Hans come in and show you his babies.
And why would I agree to that?
Because, darling, I pay in cash.
Don't you ever talk to me like that again. This is my office, pod boy.
You're right.
Sorry. Look, I need to be honest with you.
I've been hiding these feelings, and now I'm acting out. It's Kimber.
She's still in love with you.
When I eat asparagus, my piss stinks. Tell me something I don't know.
- I'm in love with her. - What?
- You're seeing Kimber? - It's been the most amazing...
...six weeks of my life. I've been with thousands of chicks...
...but there's something about Kimber that just hooks me.
She's so open, you know?
First couple of weeks, we were doing it three times a day...
...all over town, and all of a sudden, nothing.
Total lockdown.
Maybe you just don't turn her on anymore.
I hate to say it, but the fact is I didn't want to have to...
...but it looks like you got a little more junk in the trunk, my friend. Whew.
Well, I've been eating a lot more, you know?
- Yeah. - Stress.
The last time we did it, she even started crying.
- She ever do that with you? - You think because she's in love with me?
- She talks about you, a lot. - Yeah? What does she say?
Nothing good. But it's more about the quantity than quality.
She can't disguise how she's really feeling.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll get to the bottom of what's going on. Kimber's never been able to lie to me.
- Really? - Yeah.
You'd do that for me?
You get yourself back into shape...
...and I'll make sure that Kimber's all lubed up and ready to go.
Thanks, man. You're the best.
Okay, come on. We're at work.
It's not like anyone can do anything, yeah?
You don't want them to find out that way, do you?
Yes, I do. I wanna see the looks on their faces.
Could I get everyone's attention for a second, please?
Teddy and I have an announcement to make.
- We eloped two days ago. - Surprise.
- You got married? - Yep.
- And we have the hardware to prove it. - Yes, we do.
- Is this a joke? - Why would it be a joke?
You dumped her and fired her a few days ago.
We couldn't stand being apart...
...so we decided to have one of those "let's try and be friends" dinners.
Then one thing led to another. Yeah.
Anyway, we figured the best way to get through these stormy patches...
...was to drop anchor and just make a firm commitment.
Go down with the ship.
What I think he meant to say was congratulations.
We're very happy for you, and we are just a little bit surprised.
So, what are you two doing here? You should be on your honeymoon.
Annie comes in this week...
...so I thought it'd be better if she met Teddy right away...
...not postpone anything, you know?
- You're not gonna congratulate us? Of course.
Congratulations. Hans.
Sorry, I'm a little distracted. We're right in the middle of a lesson here.
What's this?
This is Miss Reinhart's Argentinean genius...
...who's gonna teach us how these little suckers work.
Hans, this is my newly married partner, Sean McNamara.
- Congratulations. Could you put one of those on Christian?
Maybe around his mouth?
That's like the old Liz, the one I didn't marry.
So as I was saying, hirudotherapy...
...or using leeches for medicinal purposes...
...has been around for thousands of years.
Why?
Well, they have a natural anticoagulant they secrete.
It's great for post-surgical use...
...because they restore the blood flow around the sutures.
Yeah, well, I'm still not touching them.
How much blood can they drink?
Up to five times their weight.
They run a high risk of infection, don't they?
No more than any other recovery method.
And they work much faster than man-made drugs.
And Mrs. Reinhart has used them before.
And she gave us a deposit, so if she wants leeches, she gets leeches.
It's feeding time for my little friends.
I put their food in your fridge, so excuse me.
You know, Mrs. McNamara?
I want to hear every single detail about that wedding. Let's go, Linda.
I get it.
You're pissed I didn't tell you.
Still doesn't excuse the attitude.
Actually, I'm not pissed at all. I've had my fair share of weddings this year.
I'm fine with it.
Well, then what? Just spit it out. You don't like her? I don't care.
I just hope you didn't put any of your stuff in her name.
Teddy's not Liz, Christian. And I'm not you.
And as far as signing my life over...
...she's the one who insisted I sign a pre-nup before we got married.
That's right.
So maybe it's better you weren't there.
"Make sure she can't touch your money" would've been a lousy toast.
- Fancy meeting you here. - Jesus, Christian.
You scared me.
- What are you doing here? - Last I heard, this is a public beach.
- Leave me alone. - I've got a vested interest, sweetie pie.
You're banging one of my staff.
How's that going, by the way? Heard there's a little trouble in paradise.
Why won't you sleep with him, huh? Because he's a knockoff of the real thing?
He is a sunny, upbeat person and you aren't.
What's the matter? He can't keep his cum in his cock long enough for you to get off?
No. In fact he has a few moves that would make you blush.
The problem is, is that he's perfect.
And just when I'm ready to let go, I think of you.
And then a little voice pops in my head saying:
"Is he gonna ask you to pee on him?"
Or, "Is he gonna put you in handcuffs, or is he gonna hand you a dildo?"
And I'm tired of it. I want a connection.
Like a real emotional connection.
And every man turns into a complete asshole...
...the minute you open up to them.
So I keep him sweet, I keep him vulnerable by not putting out so much.
Well, you know what they say. There's no prude like an old whore.
What the hell is that?
Well, we got drunk on our second date and exchanged tattoos.
He has me on his shoulder.
It's cute, huh?
You two mental midgets belong together.
You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were jealous.
Honey, eat.
You love pasta.
You're a pasta-tarian.
You used to beg me to take you to a place like this when we were in Florida.
Can you turn off your iPod, please?
- Take off your iPod, please. - Stop it. You'll break them.
- And take off that hat. - I don't want to.
Annie, your mom told me you were having a tough time...
...adjusting to the divorce and all the changes...
...and I want you to know I get it.
And I'm here for you. We both are.
You're the one who married her. Not me.
All right, I don't care how much you're going through. I didn't raise you to be rude.
It's fine, Sean. Just leave it.
Okay. Great.
- Let's just eat. - I'm not hungry.
My stomach hurts.
I need to go to the bathroom.
Unless you think that would be rude.
Sorry, it's like I don't even recognize her. I don't know who that is.
That is a 13-year-old girl, honey. We're all horrifically hormonal at that age.
It's totally normal.
And what's with the makeup and the hat?
Well, I guess she's just, you know, experimenting for the first time.
Trying on different personas, disguises.
Seeing what image fits her.
Well, they're gonna have to fit me with a straitjacket.
I'll tell you, compared to her, Matt was a breeze.
Well, I am sorry but I have to leave you two.
Oh, right. Run away, coward.
Lawyer appointment, actually.
If something happens to me, I want everything to go to my new husband.
- Good luck. - Yeah. I'm gonna need it.
Are you Swedish? You are? Yep.
- Yeah. What's your last name?
Klein. - Have you had any surgeries done yet?
Which ones?
Good afternoon, Mrs. Reinhart. I'm Dr. McNamara.
I'll be doing your operation.
Oh, I don't care who does my surgery, darling.
Just tell me, did my leeches make it here all right?
The little suckers are sliming away happily in the next room, awaiting marching orders.
Good. Good. Good. Because I have a very big charity event this weekend.
And the only way I can make sure that I recover in time...
...is if I have the hirudotherapy...
...and then a little bit of the soupçon of the heparin on the side.
Now, heparin is contraindicative with leeches...
...because they produce their own anticoagulant.
- You can't rush recovery, Mrs. Reinhart. - But I always do, doctor. I always do.
Okay, shall we get started?
Let's put this show on the road. Linda, hit it.
? PLAYING
Dixie. Dixie, is that you?
You look fantastic as a brunette.
No, I'm Teddy. Teddy Rowe.
Oh, come on. I never forget a pretty face.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry about what happened with Harland.
Oh, you poor baby. Oh, you poor child.
What was she talking about?
I don't know. She must have thought I was someone else.
Hey there, stranger. You must be pretty hungry.
- I saved some food for you if... - I told you. My tummy hurts.
Well, if you get hungry in the middle of the night...
...it's in the fridge.
And you can just help yourself, okay?
No, don't. I like to wear it. It helps me fall asleep.
Annie, you have to take it off.
It's not healthy to keep a hat on all the time, you know?
Gotta give your scalp a chance to breathe.
Hey.
When was the last time you washed your hair, huh?
Want all the boys to run in the opposite direction...
...and say you have stinky hair?
- Sweetie, I'm not fooling around. I just... - Dad, no.
I just want you to take it off. I want it off.
What the hell is this?
How did this happen?
Annie, how did this happen?
I get nervous sometimes. I just... I just pull it out, that's all.
- Does your mother know about this? - No.
And if you tell her, I'll never speak to you again.
Did you know that Hippocrates used leeches?
So did ancient Indian doctors, and the Egyptians.
They also prayed to the hippo gods in the hope that springtime would come.
- What's in the box? - Wedding presents.
- Are all these for me? - No, no, no. You get to pick one.
"To Liz and Christian. Get toasted. Love, Nurse Linda. "
I'm guessing that's the toaster oven.
Are you re-gifting your wedding presents?
Try the big box. This is meant to be an ice-cream maker.
Thanks, it's just what I wanted.
- Mike was looking for you. - Mike.
You know he's dating Kimber? What a skank.
- What do you care? - I don't care.
She's a whore. Has absolutely no moral values.
Sound like anyone else you know?
Come on. You and Kimber were made for each other. We all know it.
You're both superficial, addicted to sex.
- Both of you were abused as children. - Bullshit. I can do better than her.
For a night, maybe.
Kimber's the only woman who would actually stay with you.
You were the male and female version of the same person.
Frankly, I'm surprised it's taken you this long to figure that out.
Come on, we have a consult.
Frankly, I'm just surprised...
...it's taken you this long to figure that out.
Okay, tell us what you don't like about yourself, Mr. O'Brien.
Call me Steve.
I am not a pretty woman.
Well, Steve...
...men are doing cosmetic surgeries in almost equal measure with women.
What I mean is, an attractive female face would be slightly heart-shaped.
Her profile would be fairly flat, her features more delicate in appearance.
I mean, if you look at my profile, it slopes backwards.
- Are you a transsexual? - A transvestite.
A fully functioning heterosexual male...
...who occasionally likes being a woman.
My feminine name is Modesty.
I'm not gay. L... Most transvestites aren't.
We just have certain characteristics inside of us that society labels feminine.
Cross-dressing provides me the opportunity to explore certain things...
...that I suppressed as a kid.
Hm. I see that you're married.
Yeah, 17 years, three great kids.
My wife said she married me because I was like a great girlfriend.
With a fully functioning penis.
You know, looking at you, I'm not sure a brow reduction or a chin reduction...
...would create a more feminine profile.
I think it would just compromise what you already have.
That's my point, doc.
I want to stay a good-looking man.
I just want to broaden my options as a woman.
That's why I'm here.
I want you to create a mask that I could actually wear in public.
But why?
Your wife likes you the way you are.
I don't know if you guys are married, but my wife likes going out.
And unless we stick to gay restaurants or visits to Buckles & Boas...
...we run the risk of running into somebody from the office...
...or God forbid, the tennis club. Those guys are mostly lawyers.
They live inside the box. They wouldn't understand Modesty.
- What's Buckles & Boas? - It's a boutique that caters to transvestites.
They make female underwear that takes care of our needs.
Just have a look at my specs.
I mean, I'm sure you could improve on what I've done.
We do plastic surgery, not special effects.
You do faces.
Guys, I'm just asking you to dress me up for the ball...
...so I can turn back into plain old Steve at the stroke of midnight.
I'm willing to pay top dollar.
The Buckles & Boas. Is that in West Hollywood?
Oh, yeah. - Cool.
Research stuff.
There you are.
So did you talk to Kimber yet?
Bad news, kemosabe.
It's over, isn't it?
Shit. I was thinking she was the one, you know?
She still could be.
You just have to show her that you're willing to go the distance, my friend.
- What do you mean? - Well, Kimber's a porn star.
She's done it every which way and then some, right?
Oral, anal, double penetration, triple team, everything.
You think she cares about some regular Joe-cock guy?
Jeez, Christian, what did you do when you two were together?
Well, I was banging her before her pussy became a revolving door...
...but there was one thing that got her off:
When I dressed up like a woman.
That shit, she loves it. The kinkier, the better.
You're crazy. No way. I can't do that.
Come on. If you love her, that's the only way you can prove how.
I wouldn't even know where to start. I mean, what am I supposed to do?
Just walk into Bloomingdales and ask for a...? Heels and dress in my size?
Better yet. Go to a place that caters to your needs. Huh?
You really suck, you know that?
I was just trying to make you laugh. You know, enjoy life a little bit.
Just go. I don't feel good.
Fine. Stay in your little box of brattiness.
I tried, man. She's being a complete bitch.
Don't call your sister a bitch.
She's obviously going through a very hard time.
As long as she knows you care, maybe just try to respect her space a little.
Yeah, well, she can have all the space she wants.
All right, I'm out of here.
Wait a minute. I'm making lunch for everyone.
I'm not hungry.
Matt. We haven't all been together as a family in a long time.
I think this is what she needs. I think we all need it. I need it.
Please. Just try.
- Fine. - Thank you.
Annie, lunch is ready.
Dad.
Daddy.
Ow. It hurts.
Daddy, my stomach. It hurts so much.
All right. Let me see. Let me see.
She was fine a minute ago.
- What, you think it could be her appendix? - I don't think she has an infection.
Honey, did you eat something that I don't know about?
Get my car keys. We gotta take her to the hospital. Come on, sweetie.
What about the pain? Should we do a biopsy?
I don't think a biopsy will be necessary.
Your daughter has something called trichobezoar...
...or the more colloquial Rapunzel Syndrome.
It's an intestinal condition...
...extremely rare, resulting from the consumption of hair.
What?
It's usually triggered by trichotillomania...
...a nervous disorder in which one pulls out one's own hair.
You can see the mass that's collected here in the gastrointestinal tract...
...which is what's causing the stomach pain.
Well, is there a purgative to give her to induce...?
I'm afraid with a hairball this size, surgery will be necessary to remove it.
An endoscopic retrieval.
With your consent, we can have her scheduled for tomorrow evening.
No, that won't be necessary. Thank you.
It's my fault.
I just...
I left her. I figured she'd be able to process the divorce...
...like half the kids she knows have.
And then suddenly she's got a new mom and she's never met her...
Sean.
You're doing the best you can.
Nobody's perfect.
You call Julia?
I downplayed what's going on with Annie.
Julia's been very fragile lately.
I didn't want to upset her. She's coming out next week.
I should've known better.
Even though she doesn't live with me...
...she still needs my protection.
Get in here.
Stop acting so suspicious.
You're just drawing more attention to yourself. Just relax.
- All right. - Take a deep breath.
Just be yourself. I mean, that's what this place is all about.
Look at that. Oh, my God. This place is fantastic.
I don't know if I can go through with this.
You love her, right? You wanna satisfy her?
So this is what works, okay?
Well, then you're gonna have to help me, all right? Because you know her best.
Hey, sweetheart.
You've got a bag we can use while we're shopping?
Just let me know if you need a room.
Thanks.
Follow me.
- Mike, how's it going in there? Okay, I guess.
You see the Lakers last night?
Are you kidding? I used to play in college.
- Seriously? - Oh, yeah.
- Think they'll go the whole way? - Definitely.
I mean, we can run the floor, post up.
And they got that deep bench. It's on.
Hey, Christian, you wanna come in and see?
Well, just come out. What's the big deal?
Well, I don't know if I'm too comfortable with that right now.
If you can't do it here, how are you gonna be able to do it later?
Just step out and show us what you're working with.
Remember, I'm here to help you.
Okay.
What do you think?
I think she'll love it.
- Oh, yeah. There we go.
Just give me more and more and more of my little friends, okay, Hans?
I've got a packed social schedule.
I really need for the swelling to be down by Saturday.
Oh, I'm gonna hurl.
Hey, where's Dixie? - I'm sorry?
Dixie, my little friend from Las Vegas.
Oh, she was so helpful with that business with the morphine drip. Ooh.
I could use a little more morphine right now, huh?
You mean Teddy?
Her name is Dixie, goddamn it.
Why does everybody keep talking to me like I'm senile?
Oh, come on, Hans. Give me some more leeches.
Every little suck makes me feel one step closer to perfection, darling.
I'm just gonna put one more.
No, sweetie, more than one. Come on.
No, more than one. I'm telling you, more than one.
You already have four. Oh, for goodness sake.
Nurse, could I please have some water? My throat...
I can't move my hands. What's...?
What's going on here, huh?
I need you to stay still, Mrs. Reinhart.
We need to let these suckers do their work.
Oh, my God.
No, no. No, no, no.
- What is this? Oh, God. - Now, now.
- Why are you doing thi...? - Stay calm.
- Ah! Somebody help! Where is everybody? - I'm gonna have to help you relax.
Oh, God.
Hello? Hello? Stop!
Beauty sleep.
These little suckers are so beautiful.
You're bleeding out. So sorry.
We're all out of Band-Aids.
Cause of death:
Exsanguination due to misapplication of medicinal leeches.
- No, I don't remember there being so many. I only put six leeches.
She must have added some herself to speed up the recovery process.
The woman was pain-phobic. She was mad as a hatter.
You don't understand. They're totally engorged.
- They're supposed to fall once they're full. - I want a full toxicology report.
Heparin.
You guys didn't give her blood thinner, did you?
- Of course not. - No wonder the leeches kept feeding.
She must have self-administered. She mentioned using heparin in Venezuela.
She could've used that to inject it into her IV.
I mean, no disrespect to the dead, but she was batshit.
The things people do to be beautiful.
Hey, close the doors, dude.
You were totally right. Kimber went crazy.
- She liked that kinky trannie look? - Totally.
Okay, so, what did you wanna show me?
She liked it?
You like it? I wanted you to, you know...
...see that I was in touch with my feminine side.
Of course I like it.
I love it.
I don't believe you.
I'm telling you, I got the blow job of my life last night.
Oh, I owe you so much, man.
Thank you. I never would have done it if it weren't for you.
What's this?
Oh. I went crazy and ordered a whole bunch more stuff at crossdresser. Com.
Bras, corsets, panties, strap-on latex boobs.
- You're really committed to this, Mike. - Hey, if Kimber's into it, I'm into it, right?
So...
Did she tell you how good I looked when I'm dressed up?
You know, like a chick?
Christian never did this for you, did he?
Dress up like a lady-boy to excite you.
No.
Never. I mean, that idea would never have raced through...
...that self-centered little brain of his.
He would never risk making a fool out of himself to make me happy.
Nope.
We were so busy getting busy, we never even talked about you, bro.
Your consult's waiting for you in the lobby, Mike.
Thank you, Linda.
Hey, go ahead and check out all the stuff.
Just don't take it home...
...because I'm planning on wearing all of it tonight.
Hey, I thought you were supposed to get your blood drawn before we got married.
What's all this?
Well, all your talk about wills and insurance inspired me.
I am doubling my life-insurance policy.
Are you planning on dying anytime soon, Dr. McNamara?
No. But I'm not gonna live forever.
Our slump at work is going to end...
...but what if something happens to me during the next one?
I have worked too hard to leave my family with nothing.
Listen, I hope you understand...
...I'm making Conor and Annie sole beneficiaries.
What about Matt?
I gave him a large sum of money from the sale of the Florida house...
...and he spent it on Scientology, his porn-star wife...
...and methamphetamines.
- So no fatted calf for the prodigal son? - Not unless he kills it himself.
How about a drink?
Just a few more signatures, Dr. McNamara.
I'll get it.
It's perfect.
- I'm so happy for you, honey. I'm so happy for us.
For the freedom this gives us to live out our fantasies.
Look at me, I'm primping like a vain schoolgirl.
We'd better hurry, our dinner reservation is in half an hour.
What do you think, Dr. Cruz?
- Is my shadow balanced? - You're asking the wrong person.
Hey, I've got an idea.
What if Annie stayed with us for a couple of months?
You know, with all the trouble she's been having...
...it might be nice to give her some time with her dad.
She's on a break from school, right?
Heck, Conor can come out too.
Really?
You wouldn't mind having a couple of rug rats running around?
Sean, those kids are my new family. I'm their stepmom.
This could be a great way to get to know each other...
...and I can make my new husband happy.
Well, it might put a crimp in our honeymoon period.
Annie is not well enough to fly yet.
She needs time to recover, you know, get her strength back up.
Julia can always come out later if she wants.
I'm completely comfortable with that.
I love you.
Dr. McNamara? A few more.